dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
