I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
