I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
