Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
