I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
