my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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