So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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