i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
