I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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