Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
