I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
