i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
