i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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