Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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