Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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