finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
