i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she peed on how many people?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
