Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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