Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
