My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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