swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
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Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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