she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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