Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
