yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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