he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
