Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
