I got chris browned last night
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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