The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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