ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
