Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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