I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize