i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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