you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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