you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She bit a glass in half.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
