I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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