Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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