I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
