I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
