Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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