So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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