Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
