If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
