you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
