got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
