I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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