He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
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there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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