bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
