My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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