I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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