Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
