Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
