I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
