I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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