Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
