it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
