I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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