the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Houston, we have a blender
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
